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Tuesday, March 14th, 2006

Subject:I only write in here when I can't sleep
Time:4:02 am.
So I decided to stay home this spring break so that I could work alot and save up money to pay for my summer class that I'm going to take (probably pre-calc bleh). Of course I work for a restaurant that is run by a bunch of idiots so instead of giving me the 6 shifts I requested they gave me only 2.

I was going to try to call everyday and bug them but fuck it. I have tons of stuff I want to e-bay so that should give me a pretty decent amount of money. I have tons of kidrobot stuff that I want to sell, its amazing how much people will spend on a toy.

I also took up a second job, along with the lob I am working at lazer galaxy doing kids parties. Jeez I have come full circle. My first party went smoothly and it reminded me of my lazer mania/steve days, I am always amazed at how things change. I am alot more patient then I use to be and compared to serving this is much easier. I think I'm also going to try to procter SAT exams because it seems easy and I can get some of my reading done.

I also plan on making a new journal because alot of the stuff in her embarrasses me so I would like to start a new one again. Mostly the stuff I'm embarrassed about would have to do with me saying I love Chris (because it's kind of weird to to have that out there when you have moved on). Also any mention of Dan during the summer of Dan (because he turned out to be a fucking douche bag, who's only goal in our friendship was probably to fuck me, he fucking lied to me, I was stupid and choose him over a friend, he fucking patronized me all the time, he never respected any of my relationships and tons of other stuff that I won't write because it still fucking hurts and it makes me uncomfortable to think about!!!!He also ruined really great songs and albums for me, so now every time I listen to Jimmy Eat World's bleed american , which is so good, I usually get angry.).

I'm also thinking about staring my own zine and taking stained glass classes. I found a publishing company (microcosm publishing) that prints that most amazing zines. Right now I have been reading Doris, scribble faster and greenzine. I have always loved personal zines which is probably why I enjoyed the livejournal thing in the first place. I have so many thoughts and ideas that I would like to put out there but I wouldn't dare do it here. I would like the anonymity of a zine.
Today Doug and I worked in his back yard and sawed down all the dead trees and raked and pulled as much stuff out of the ground as possible. Next time I come over we're going to rip up all the bulbs and churn the soil and figure out exactly what we want to plant. I love spring, I can't wait for it to get warmer.
1 Ship - Sink Me Baby

Wednesday, January 25th, 2006

Time:11:05 pm.
Mood: drained.
I really wish my mom would keep some things to herself. I keep telling her not only am I your daughter but I'm still a kid. I emotionally can not take half the things she tells me. I want to be there for her and I don't want her to keep things from me but how am I or she suppose to know what should and shouldn't be talked about?
Tonight is ending badly, I can't even wrap my head around half the things we talked about.
2 Ships - Sink Me Baby

Friday, January 6th, 2006

Subject:Goood bye.
Time:3:22 am.
I just found out that I didn't get into Livingston college..ugggghh even the rejects won't take me. Oh well at least I'm leaving tomorrow. I really don't want to go back to school though, seriously after four years of not caring and not doing well I really should start considering other options.
Sink Me Baby

Friday, December 30th, 2005

Subject:Beth this is why you are awesome
Time:6:04 am.
Mood: awake.
I found this on the disk my dad made me of my old computer files.
Seriously, who else would make learning so fun?!Collapse )
3 Ships - Sink Me Baby

Wednesday, December 14th, 2005

Time:4:01 pm.
A year ago I met Doug, three years ago tonight or tomorrow night I got in that car accident, this year I'm suppose to graduate. I keep thinking about how much I have changed ,for the better, over these past 3 and a half years. I am so happy to have grown enough to be able to be in such a great relationship with someone that I finally do respect and consider a best friend. I am so happy that I have suppressed my urges to lie and cheat and pretty much sabotage, the relationship.

I know I should be studying but I can't stop thinking about things, things I have done wrong, done right or should have done these past few years. I regret not being able to graduate this year so much. I want nothing more then to get out of this fucking school, this town (new brunswick) full of people and memories I'd rather forget and just move on. Move on to where.... I don't know. I know I want to help people but even my want of going to graduate school and becoming a therapist isn't getting me out of here any faster.

I heard the saddest and most fucked up thing in a restroom off the turnpike today. This mom was screaming at the top of her lungs and hitting her kid trying to make him pee. He kept saying don't hurt me and cried and cried and cried. The mother just screamed even more and I couldn't help it I just started crying. I wanted to do something, I just wanted to get up run out there and tell her if she didn't know how to raise her kid then maybe she shouldn't have had him. I wanted to tell her that freaking out her kid isn't going to make him go to the bathroom faster. I just wanted to make her stop, but I didn't. I didn't know what do do. I felt so guilty on my ride home about not stopping her. I thought of all the times I wished that someone had stopped my dad, all the times I wish my mom had stopped my dad. I don't know what would have been worse saying something and making the mom more angry or just doing what I did, nothing.
4 Ships - Sink Me Baby

Friday, November 25th, 2005

Subject:I need a haircut!!!
Time:11:16 pm.
It sucks how my hair could look oh so good a week ago and then grow a tiny centimeter and look dumb. Of course I need a hair cut but that requires money but unfortunately I haven't been making much at the lob. Also I keep charging things that I know I can't afford right now (taking Doug out to eat, driving to New York almost everyday, shows). I'm trying to figure out quick ways to make money that don't require me to prostitute myself but there aren't that many. I was thinking about doing one of those alcohol promotions where I hand out t-shirts but if it weren't for my friends going I wouldn't even step foot inside a bar. Also I really can't take dudes being sleazy to me. One time I had a table that was saying the sickest shit to me, I didn't know what to do. I just smiled and laughed at their fucked up jokes. At the end of the night I felt so horrible that I told Doug and my mom and started to cry because those dudes made me feel so sleazy. So maybe handing out t-shirts in bars isn't for me.

On a happy note I'm going to see bright eyes tomorrow. Yea!!! He's playing "everything in the bright eyes catalog". I think we might have crap seats but he's playing in this old restored movie house so I figure the seats can't be that bad.

Oh yea, also is anyone is interested I'm canceling my burning angel account in a few days so If anyone wants to take a peek in the mean time here you go.

username: Khrist
password: polkadot

2 Ships - Sink Me Baby

Thursday, November 17th, 2005

Time:6:12 pm.
I was feeling really restless yesterday so I drove down to the beach. Well my first intention was to bring back a long over due DVD. The beach was going to be my reward. I ended up just leaving the DVD in the mailbox because I wasn't sure if I should get myself re-involved.

I tiptoed up the porch and just placed the DVD in the mailbox. The door was ajar and I'm sure someone was home but at this point talking would be awkward.

The beach was windy but it was a warm enough day to go coat-less. I dipped my feet in the water and ran along the shore. I kept looking back though because I was afraid some random dude was gonna attack me. I was also hoping that some other random dude would find me and that we could talk. I doubt that's gonna happen now since I just left the dvd with a note "I didn't want you to think I was keeping it". I was hoping to gain some sort of epiphany on the beach. No epiphany was gained and I just got my jeans wet.

After I drove down main street and stopped by a cd store that was going out of business. I got myself a used Veruca Salt cd and part of Patrick's x-mas gift.

I drove straight into Belmar and found a nice coffee shop to go in to. The guy behind the counter was nice and talked with me as I sat and drank my beverages. I tried to gain some sort of epiphany there also but after a while my nerves were to jittery to think straight.
5 Ships - Sink Me Baby

Monday, November 14th, 2005

Subject:I think I'm just a little stressed out....
Time:5:54 am.
So it's 5:30 and even though I know I should be sleeping I can't. Something funny (but not the good kind of funny) happened to me Saturday night and I kind of had a melt down and slept all day Sunday. I think that one funny thing triggered all this other fear and anxiety that I have been trying to push aside in order to stay productive. At one point I was crying in Doug's bed, scared that I was going to revert back to my old lazy, depressed and apathetic self.

But I'm ok now. It sucks that I wasted my day in bed but I needed that. Unfortunately I have to try to get back into a regular sleep schedule again. I thought I had fixed it friday but that long lay in bed yesterday messed that up.

Doug is making funny faces in his sleep, I wish I had a camera to capture this, he looks so cute.

Maybe I have one of those winter things because it seems like I get all out of sorts once the days start getting shorter.
1 Ship - Sink Me Baby

Friday, November 4th, 2005

Time:1:51 pm.
The best way to start your day is to go to your computer and see this note typed up:


in 72pt fonts i might add, ha any smaller and I would have missed it.
2 Ships - Sink Me Baby

Friday, October 28th, 2005

Time:5:30 am.
I am determined to stay up the whole night because I know if I fall asleep now then I probably won't wake up in time to drive back to NJ. Juggs and I were having an awesome sleepover party full of shower sex, Ranma 1/2, painting and homework but he decides to ruin it by sleeping. I almost want to jump up and down and wake him up to we can go play with Kublai Khan downstairs. Kublai Khan is the honorary name that I have bestowed upon the new cat because whatever his roommates named him, pretty jerome or whatever, isn't really that cool. With a name like Kublai Khan (which I am probably spelling wrong) he can go on to conquer small neighborhoods in Brooklyn.

Oh Beth I am going to be so much fun in sensation and perception tomorrow.
1 Ship - Sink Me Baby

Wednesday, October 26th, 2005

Subject:Yea for laptops and wireless internet
Time:7:48 pm.
So I'm sitting here trying to figure out what classes to take next semester and I'm stumped. I have finally gotten to the point where I have taken most of my required courses. This makes me feel very accomplished. I'm going to try to do my fieldwork next semester working in a clinic with families of abused children. Hopefully this won't be to emotionally gut wrenching for me because I have to also put massive amounts of energy into Quantitative Methods. I have been putting off this class for as long as I could but it has gotten to the point where I just have to take that class and a lab and then I will be done with my major....finally.

However, I am terrified that I won't be able to get into a graduate school. I decided to get my masters in art therapy which would require me to take 18 studio art credits. That means that after I graduate next year (I better) I will probably apply to middlesex and take those classes. I want to move in with Doug after I finish school but with my dad not helping me pay for school anymore I will probably live at home and wait tables longer then I would like to. But yea, I am terrified that no graduate school will take me because I have fucked up 3 years of my college career.

Oh but it doesn't end at getting my masters I also have to get various certificates and such in order to have my own patients. Not to mention the therapy I will have to go through so that I will have worked on the majority of my stuff. It took me four years to realize it but I really do want to become a therapist.
1 Ship - Sink Me Baby

Tuesday, September 27th, 2005

Subject:look who is behind the monk on the left
Time:1:07 pm.
title or description

Ohmygosh Patrick, your famous. (taken from the Rutgers NB main page).
2 Ships - Sink Me Baby

Thursday, August 4th, 2005

Subject:I'm in Florida and due to my fucked up sleeping pattern I'm up at 4am. again.
Time:3:59 am.
I met Doug's sister and she was as cool as I expected her to be. Poor Doug, he has to sleep in the TV room while I get to sleep in his old room. I was hoping we'd be able to sleep in the same room at least. His old room is sort of set up like the old tv bedrooms where the husband and wife would sleep in seperate twin beds. I would be down with sleeping in seperate beds so at least that way we could giggle and talk like two girls at a sleepover. oh well.

I took a quiz

You scored as Greenpoint. Mowimy po polsku? You should live in Greenpoint!

Greenpoint is a quiet little neighborhood that is heavily Polish, and also home to a number of 20 and 30 somethings who enjoy the proximity to Williamsburg but also enjoy the lower rents and less scenestery vibe. There are a ton of Thai restaurants a few good reliable bars, and a few good not so reliable music venues. McCarren Park is nice in the summer, and don't forget to climb out on the piers up north to watch the sunset.




Sunset Park


Prospect Heights


Navy Yard/Clinton Hill/Bed-Stuy north






Coney Island


Fort Greene


Park Slope


Boerum Hill/Cobble Hill/Carroll Gardens


East Williamsburg/




Brooklyn Heights




What Brooklyn Neighborhood Should You Live In?
created with QuizFarm.com

I could never live near Willaimsburg, living by that many kids my own age would just annoy the hell out of me. In that part of Brooklyn it's all hipster kids and it's just really creepy. The quiz dosen't even have Doug's neighborhood on there. Poor Bensonhurst is getting left out. Then again I think thats better, I guess the quiz is only naming areas that are starting to get gentrified.
Sink Me Baby

Tuesday, August 2nd, 2005

Subject:too much coffee
Time:3:04 am.
I can't sleep so I thought I'd write in this thing.

It's unfortunate when you belive that someone is a best friend. Then you realize after several years that they aren't, weren't or never will be a best friend. The length of time you have known someone dosen't make friendships any stronger. A selfish person who makes you go out of your way to see them is not a best friend. I'm done with the excuses of having no money, no transportation and broken cellphones.

Give me back my library book.

Stop doing coke.

Take care of yourselves and don't throw your lives away. If you do end up reading this don't bother anymore.
As much as I can't stand my job I more then likely will end up staying there longer then I planned on it. I feel like the lob is like a bad realtionship that I stay in because that person buys me things.
Does anyone watch six feet under because I need someone to watch it with and freak out about the twists in the plot.
I'm going to Florida on Wednesday for a week and I'm meeting Doug's sister, I'm pretty excited. We've been together for seven months and I never thought a relationship could be this good.
Doug had a show Saturday and did a 20 min. set (he raps) it was amazing.
Doug and I are also going to Italy for 10 days in January, we are both very excited about this. It's my art history dream to go there.
I bought a new car, that's also kind of the reason why I can't leave the lob. I also need to but school books soon.
I'm finally a junior
Rejecting kids that rejected you when you were sixteen is awesome...ugg I have no idea that I was thinking
5 Ships - Sink Me Baby

Monday, May 23rd, 2005

Subject:bad news bears
Time:10:31 am.
I haven't slept in 20 hours. I had a pretty blah day at work last night so I should have gotten some sleep to rest my achey back and arms.

I watched Bram Stoker's Dracula and masturbated to the scene where Keanu Reeves gets attackes by the naked vampire ladies. After I rubbed one out I still wasn't tired and I just got annoyed that I stayed home and didn't go to Doug's house.

I'm not sure what it is about people but why do they treat servers like they aren't people? I had these two cunts who were talking about me within earshot last night some crap about how I was being to slow. Fuck you both I've been having a terrible past couple of days. I get that shit all the time though. Good, bad, whatever people love fucking gabbing about me, around me. Mostly it's around tip time those pieces of shit. I get paid 2.15 an hour and don't get a pay check anymore because it all goes to taxes at least give me 10 bucks.

I've been very stressed out latley. For almost 2 days straight my eye was twitching and wouldn't stop, I'm guessing it was stress related.

It's all family stuff that's been bothering me. My sister and I haven't talked since Thursday night and I think that is where most of my stress is coming from. It's very uncomfortable in my house and I don't want to run away to Doug's just in case my sister will talk to me.
4 Ships - Sink Me Baby

Thursday, April 7th, 2005

Subject:it has been kinda crazy
Time:6:54 pm.
So spring break was awesome but maybe i'll write about that later after I get my computer back and can post my pictures of Shamu. Actually I think it might be Shamu the 5th but whatever killer whales are amazing. Doug and I had an awesome time, never fought and never got sick of each other. I met his parents which was kind of nerve wracking but like Doug they are awesome and very sweet people. They embraced me as one of their own which was nice since I knew Doug was saying good things about me.I wanted to meet up to their expectations and I think I did a good job.

We played mini gold with one of his ex-girlfriends, her husband and their friends. I won the first game which amazed me because the last time I played I was so bad that I vowed never to play it again. Then again the kids we were playing were heavily under the influence of marijuana so that probably helped my chances.

Oh and at Sea World we fed a blind seal, touched stingrays, walked through the shark tunnel oh and SHAMU!!! I seriously love the shamu show. When I was younger I always wanted to be a trainer but Marine Biology just isn't right for me.

Oh and Doug took me to thing fondue place called "the melting pot" and I was amazed because I had always thought fondue was a foreign, high class thing. And our waitress was the cutest thing when she found out where Doug had gone to school she started asking for advice about her portfolio it was so fucking cute. She was like the Lebanese Amelie, she was just so damn cute.

We also went to Sarasota and visited his college and I got to meet some of his friends that were a year younger then him. His school was so tiny compared to what I'm use at Rutgers. We also went to the beach in Sarasota and it was so beautiful. The sand was fine and white and it was just great to be out of dreary weather.

I also got to save a little seahorse that got washed onto shore. At least I hope I saved it by putting it back in the water. It sounds kind of silly but I was really awe-struck by the little thing. It moved it's little tail and look at me with it's little black eye before I sent it on its way.

Seriously the trip was awesome but it's so much better with the pictures.
read on if you likeCollapse )
3 Ships - Sink Me Baby

Sunday, March 13th, 2005

Time:1:14 am.
This is for Bethage,it would be for you too Patrick but your too cool for the facebook.

JEY (Jason Bullock)!! added me as a friend so now you can go see what he looks like.
By this time tomorrow I'll be in Florida in 80 degree wheather..I'm so damn excited. Not that I'm taking anything seriously this semester but it's gonna be awesome to go on a vacation.

Unfortunately I do have to study for 2 exams and read Freud's 600 page "Interpretation of Dreams" so that's kind of annoying.
2 Ships - Sink Me Baby

Monday, February 21st, 2005

Time:12:33 am.
Mood: my feet are killing meeee.
I seriously think my job is killing me or at least making me age quicker.
3 Ships - Sink Me Baby

Monday, February 14th, 2005

Time:2:35 am.
Sink Me Baby

Thursday, February 10th, 2005

Subject:So I have written in this thing for a while...
Time:11:19 pm.
I think the best time would be when I am suppose to be analyzing the news for my Gender, Visual Politics and Cultural Policy class. I regret taking this class though. In the class description it talked about how the class analyzed graphic novels and other form of popular media. I saw graphic novels and thought "I AM SOOO TAKING THIS CLASS". We meet once a week for three hours and for what I have seen for the past 3 weeks I am not impressed. This week we analyzed ads which is such a fucking blase' thing to do in a gender studies course. "This hierarchal representation shows how the white man blah blah blah."

I also don't feel comfortable in the class. It's about 15 girls with all pretty mush the same mind set, fuck the patriarchy and all that jazz. Not that I'm NOT down for fucking up the patriarchy it's just that this kind of mentality in such a small class makes me uncomfortable and bored. I sometimes feel that each girl is almost trying to out do each other. It also leaves no room for debate, everyone pretty much agrees on the same thing or pretends to at least.

So now I'm rethinking about my choice about being a Gender Studies minor. Seriously though if I just stuck to straight up psych with out the art history double major and the gender studies minor I could be done by next fall 2006.
Today was my second day of server training. The first day I ended up trying tiny sips of wine and liqueurs that made me feel like I was getting shot in the face. Today I was on the floor following my friend Dominica. I was getting kind of nervous because I started feeling like I wasn't doing things on time. I also was kinda worried about dropping a tray of food on someone but luckily I didn't.
Here's some random pictures from

Bright Eyes...I bough my ticket a few days before he was playing. I originally wasn't going to go because I couldn't find anyone to go with me. So instead I went by myself and got a really great seat, 4th row right smack in the middle. Conner Oberst is tinyCollapse )
Sink Me Baby

LiveJournal for Best Known For Burning Bridges.

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